Have anyone ever told you “don’t quit your day job?” I’m here to tell you to quit your day job. Are you stuck in a 9 to 5 job? Are you stuck at a desk doing paper work all day long? Or are you stuck flipping burgers at McDonald’s or Burger King? Do you let customers or your bosses walk all over you because you are afraid of being fired? Do you feel like everyday is the worst day of your life? Then do something about it. If you’re sinking deeper and deeper into depression, then you’ve got to get the hell out of there.
I can help you get out of this rut you are currently in. All you have to do is follow my advice because there is only one way you can ever be happy in life. You have to quit your job with style and live out your dreams. Or, think of starting your own personal office career by getting an office space for rent at Marina Bay.
Now if you truly hate your job then just quit. But if your job is ruining your life, then you have to get revenge on the people who made you so depressed. Revenge is a dish best serve cold. Here are several ways to serve your revenge dish very cold.
- The Ultimate Flip Off
Now everybody loves to flip off people when they are mad. You can walk out of your workplace with your middle finger all in the air. But that’s so unoriginal and boring. What you need to do is expose all the people in your workplace as frauds. Make a memo in great detail about the going ons in the office. List every single dirty thing in great detail. Then give that memo to everybody in your office. But when you give it to everybody in your office, make sure you also give them a token of your affection. Give them the finger, literally. Throw the finger in their faces. Make your boss eat the finger. Then walk out of there with a big smile on your face. Make sure you get out of there before security comes.
Ways to get a finger:
- Sneak into a morgue and cut off the middle finger on a corpse.
- Cut off your friend’s middle finger but with their consent.
- Pay someone for their middle finger.
- Buy a fake middle finger off the internet.
- Sucker Punch R Us
Before you quit your job, you might as well have a little fun. For one month do everything your mommy and daddy told you not to do when you were a little kid. Come early and make coffee for everybody in your workplace. Make sure you add a secret ingredient like urine, spit, feces, bug juice, or dirt. If you have a little refrigerator in your workplace, remove all the food when nobody is there. Then spit and urinate in the food. Don’t put too much piss in the food. Just enough to get the job done. Then wipe some of the food on and in your ass. Then if you really want to have fun, sneak party brownies to your office party. Party brownies are brownies with pot in them, in case you didn’t know. Make sure you have a camcorder ready to catch your coworkers acting naughty.
- Mrs. Robinson
With this one, you will sleep with your boss’s wife, husband, mother, father, sister, brother, grandmother, grandfather, or pet. Choose the person or pet you prefer the most.
- I Killed a Man in Nevada Just to Watch Him Die.
Now this one does not actually involve murder unless you really want to kill your boss. Go ahead. I’ll write you in jail. But this is what you have to do. You have to take your boss to the desert and leave him there. Now don’t kidnap him or you’ll be somebody’s bitch in jail. All you have to do is pretend to be his buddy even though you hate his guts. Ask him to get a drink with you and get him really drunk. But you have to be sober. Well, at least not drunk. Instead of taking him home at the end of the night, you drive to the desert where you kick him out of your car and drive off. Leave a water bottle filled with your body fluids for him. If he is really drunk and passed out, take off all his clothes before you leave him in the desert. Take pictures of him and post it on Myspace, Craigslist, Facebook, and all around your office.
- Mrs. Robinson Remix
Instead of just sleeping with your boss’s loved one and telling him all the details. How about showing him what you did. Show him how you rode his wife or husband doggy style. Or how you made his grandmother, grandfather, or dog lick your private parts. Play the videotape while he is in a meeting with very important people. That will be a laugh.
- Fast Food Nation
Now this only works if you work in a fast food restaurant. Every fast food joint have secret ingredients. I’m not telling you to add your own. And if you do then please warn me about the next time you will be adding this secret ingredient. Now if you work in a popular fast food restaurant then you know what their secret ingredients are. So what’s the best way to quit your job? By writing a thank you note with the secret ingredients in that thank you note. Post that thank you note on the web and watch it get passed around to everybody in the world.
- I Feel Like The First Woman Governor of Alaska
This one is also for fast food restaurants and grocery store workers. Its simple. Just lock your boss in the freezer. While your boss is in the freezer, just walk by and close and lock the door. Somebody will come around and let him at. But make sure nobody is watching so they won’t know it was you.
There are seven ways to leave your job in style because all good things come in groups of seven. Try any one of them or all of them. Your worries, concerns, and troubles will disappear.